(This content is taken from a message shared at Bethel Church in Fargo, ND on December 7, 2019 at the Annual Women’s Ministry Christmas Brunch.)
Ah, Christmas! Christmas with its wonderful scents, sounds and sights! Christmas – warmth in the midst of winter and light in the midst of dark.
I love opening the mailbox to find Christmas cards arriving with pictures and news of friends and family from far and wide. Greetings of peace, joy and love in the season of light.
I love Christmas!
But, have you ever had a hard time finding the peace, joy, love and hope at Christmas because of some darkness in your life? It can be the darkness of loss – loss of a loved one or a marriage. It can be darkness caused by difficult financial circumstances, a rebellious child or an adverse medical diagnosis. Darkness in our lives can also be the byproduct of our own choices.
That was the case for me on one cold, snowy Christmas season in the upper Midwest. I was 19 years old and life looked nothing like I thought it would. I had completed one year of college. I couldn’t afford to go back and I really didn’t know what to do with my life. My relationship with my boyfriend was a mess. And – I was pregnant.
I tried so hard to maintain my composure so no one would be able to guess the turmoil my life was in. Looking back, I don’t know how I did it. I have never been good at hiding my emotions. But somehow, I did it that year. All through family dinners and Christmas Eve church and opening gifts, no one knew. No one knew that a plan had been set in motion to fix my problem…to hide my secret.
That year, I was not able to focus on the Light of the World come as a tiny babe to save us all when my attention was focused on another babe. There was no way to stop and wonder at the miraculous appearing of Jesus, born of a Virgin and placed in a manger of a lowly stable. I couldn’t sing “Joy to the World” when I was set on destroying the life of my unborn baby.
And that is just what I did.
In early January after the abortion was done, there was more darkness in my life than ever. The plan to fix things and keep my pregnancy a secret only compounded my problems. Life did not go back to normal as I thought it would. My companions in the darkness were now fear, guilt, shame and regret. I was sure I had done the worst thing anyone could ever do – committed the one unforgiveable sin. I was certain God would never forgive me and I waited for Him to rain down His judgment on me to make me pay for my actions. I had long dreamed of getting married and having children someday, but now believed He would punish me by not allowing me to realize those dreams. Somehow that sort of ‘justice’ made sense to me. Fearing reactions of judgment and condemnation, I couldn’t tell anyone any of it and was positive that no one else around me – especially in church – had done anything as bad as me. I had the abortion so that no one would ever know, not realizing that I would never be able to forget.
When I finally cleaned up my life and found my way back to church, I found I wasn’t able to fully open my life to Christ – or to others around me in church – because I had this horrible secret. I was isolated in a sea of believers. And let me tell you, that is exactly where the enemy wants us: isolated and in fear.
I threw myself into trying to be a really good person thinking maybe, just maybe, if I could just be good enough, then maybe I could make up for what I had done. But you know that nothing I could do was ever enough. Then those watching my life started believing I was a good person, so I had to hide the secret deeper than ever because good people simply do not have abortions.
For years, Christmas was a difficult time for me. I went through the motions without the ability to freely and completely celebrate the Light of the World.
Obviously, I had some pretty messed up ideas about who God is. I did not understand grace and mercy. I didn’t know then that the light of Jesus is not some harsh interrogation lamp in a cold, empty room. It is brilliant – to be sure – but it is gentle and warm. It is a light which allows us to see our lives as they truly are – right down to the messiest, darkest, dirtiest parts. Those things we are afraid to look at. He shows us those things instead of the images we send out on Christmas cards we want others to see.When we get to the point where we can acknowledge the depths of our own depravity – the things we are actually capable of doing – we see exactly how short we fall of His glory and character. We see how desperately we need Him – that our only hope is in Him.
As we surrender to that realization – to Him – that is when we get rest and hope and joy. We receive comfort, knowing He understands everything about us and loves us anyway! We do not have to strive to be good enough, smart enough, strong enough. Jesus, however? He IS good enough, smart enough and strong enough.
I will be forever grateful God did not leave me in that dark place. He led me instead out into the open and assured me of His love for me – assured me that I am forgiven and set free. He then impressed on my heart that my story is not to be a secret any longer. The scariest thing I have done in my life is to be open about my abortion. But, you know what? Jesus urged me to trust Him and He has proved Himself to be faithful and true! I have been so incredibly blessed by being obedient in this.
I have had the incredible privilege of walking alongside many other women broken by abortion over the past fifteen years. I have seen a process similar to my own healing path unfold in their lives. I have been able to have a front row seat to watch God transform these broken lives living in the dark to beautiful, redeemed women living in the light where they are able to help yet others. It is truly a glorious thing! In order for this to happen, we have to surrender the dark things in our lives to Him – to allow the healing touch of His light to transform us.
At Christmas, we have the opportunity to experience the wonder of the miraculous gift of Jesus. Jesus – who willingly left the comfort and perfection of Heaven to come to Earth as a newborn baby to live a life of hard work and little reward. He would be tortured, crucified and killed despite the fact that He was the only innocent human being in all of time. He did all this to lead us to TRUTH and to pay the price for our sins – yours and mine. He brings light and hope to a dark and hopeless world. He makes a way where there seems to be no way. Jesus desires relationship with every one of us. This is why we celebrate Christmas – the season of Light!
Blessings to you this Christmas,
Kay
P.S. As you consider your year-end giving, keep We Are Everywhere in mind. You can donate from the Donate tab on the website...or by sending a check (payable to We Are Everywhere) to 3826 50th Street North, Reiles Acres, ND 58102. All donations are tax-deductible and are a huge blessing to this work!
