I had an abortion here in Fargo when I was 21 years old. You know, the word abortion – is thrown around so often today – that I wonder if people have lost sight of what the word REALLY means. Maybe when you hear it you think – politics, choice, women's right, healthcare. I wonder if people have lost sight of what an abortion really is. I'd like to tell you my story and what the word ABORTION means to me.
I was a single mother with a 1-year-old daughter. Coming from a strong Catholic family, and already having a child out of wedlock, I considered myself the “black sheep” of the family. I solely made the decision to have an abortion – for reasons I thought - were saving myself and my family from embarrassment. Now from the moment I walked into the abortion facility, I knew it was not a regular “clinic.” I was in a state of numbness – I felt like I was outside of my body about to do the one thing in the world I knew was the worst thing I would ever do. I was asked to pay up front and sign forms that I knew about the risks of the abortion procedure. Looking back, I was so clearly in a state of unresponsiveness, I don’t know why they allowed me to continue, but they did. I was then called back to the procedure room – and you were called by a number, not your name. When I got to the room, undressed and laid down, I started shaking uncontrollably and felt panicked. I had 3 nurses in the room – 2 who held me down to keep me from shaking as the 3rd nurse injected Lidocaine into my cervix. I was sobbing uncontrollably when the doctor came in – he asked the nurses what was wrong with me – they said they didn’t know – I’d given birth so they didn’t understand why I was having such a hard time. The doctor looked at me and said, “Young lady, what is wrong? I looked at him and said “I’m Catholic. I can’t do this.” He looked at me and said, “It’s okay – I’m Catholic, too.” I was silent. I laid down without saying a word and I had an abortion.
Let me ask you – what kind of a health care facility would continue to do any kind of a procedure on someone who was clearly in a state of emotional struggle? I am not putting blame on the doctor – as I know my accountability for the abortion – but I have to think, when I hear people say abortion is about women’s healthcare, I just shake my head and think, “if they only knew.”
Now what I’m telling you is not unique to me. I have ministered to women over the past 10 years who have gotten pregnant in practically every kind of situation - rape, incest, devil worshipping rituals – and I have not once heard that the experience they had was warm, caring, or anything you would associate with the word “healthcare.”
After my abortion, I was in shock. I got dressed, and went back to Minot where I was in college. I had one single thought running through my mind - I was going to hell and there was nothing I could do or say for the rest of my life that would change that. I drank until I passed out every night for 3 weeks. I felt like a horrible mother to my 1-year-old daughter. I was scared to let her out of my sight thinking God was going to punish me by doing something to her. For the next 17 years, I existed in a state of complete disgust of myself. I drank alcohol as though there was never enough to numb me or help me forget, I developed an eating problem, I wanted nothing more than to go back in time and get off that abortion table. But I couldn’t. I took the life of my child. I know she felt pain. How do you live with yourself knowing you caused that kind of pain to your child and their death? When I hear the word abortion that is what I think of. It is the truth of what abortion is.
There are so many wonderful resources available to women. Pregnancy help centers, maternity homes, adoption. To give your child a chance at life is something you could live with. To abort your child is like a life sentence to a prison within a hell you create especially for you. You can never "undo" an abortion.
I have since found forgiveness through a wonderful ministry called Rachel’s Vineyard. There are many ministries available now such as Rachel’s Vineyard, Project Rachel, Healing Hearts, Wounded Warrior. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my little girl. I pray daily for women who have had abortions, for the babies, for the fathers of those babies, for grandparents, brothers, sister, etc. But you know what, I also pray for the people who work at abortion facilities – that they truly open their eyes and see the TRUTH of abortion and that they are not helping women – they are only contributing to damaging the hearts and minds of women. And the deliberate destruction of our children. Abortion needs to stop now.
