“I was obsessed with getting pregnant,” she told me.
This dear woman spent precious time sharing her story with me – of promiscuity and abortions in her teen years, followed by marriage in her early 20’s. Once married, she was consumed by the desire to have a baby.
Oh, how that resonated with me! I, too, had been obsessed with becoming pregnant when I got married. That obsession was driven by a deep-seated fear that God was going to punish me by not allowing me to have children because of my own abortion. Motherhood had always been a part of the life I had dreamed of having. I was terrified that I had destroyed the opportunity to have a baby of my own.
I told my future husband about my abortion when we were dating. I knew he wanted to be a dad someday and felt I had to give him fair warning before we got too serious - in case this was a deal-breaker. His reaction was mild, to say the least. I remember he acted surprised it seemed to be such a big deal to me. We didn’t spend much time talking about it and just moved on in our conversation and relationship. We didn’t talk about my abortion again for nearly 20 years.
Recently I realized while I did tell him about the abortion, I did nottell him about the accompanying fear I would be unable to have children because of the abortion. I just kind of thought he could read my mind somehow and follow the tangled logic I held to.
I’m not the only post-abortive woman to do something like this. Many women I have talked to have beliefs and fears somewhere beneath the surface of their conversations and relationships - which they do not verbalize. For example, while they may say they do not think God can ever forgive them, women may not verbalize this is based on their belief they have committed the one unforgiveable sin.
Many of us have had held false beliefs about abortion that became deeply entrenched in our thought life. Unfortunately, we may not even realize we hold these false beliefs until we spend intentional time processing our abortion - exploring our mindset about who God really is and how He responds to our actions. This is the way Satan wants it. These beliefs can become the bars keeping us in prisons of isolation and secrecy.
I praise God for the lives redeemed from dark places – from false beliefs. I am overwhelmed with wonder and renewed faith as I see women restored to living lives of freedom after spending years handicapped by the weight of past sin and secrets. And, I pray for those who are still stuck, carrying around weight they don’t realize Jesus has already lifted from their lives. Please join me in these prayers.
Talk to you again soon –
Kay
(*Dee is a pseudonym. She has agreed to share this story with you. Many thanks to you, Dee!)
